Keeping it Civil Over the Holidays

For those of you who absolutely dread having to spend time with family, here are a few techniques to keep the peace.

There are so many factors that are setting up the 2020 holiday season to be a veritable minefield of family fights. Starting from the discussions of whether or not to even get together (family gatherings have been linked to the recent increases in Covid-19 cases) all the way to the presidential election and the state of the country, we’re in dangerous territory full of potential misery and scarred relationships.

Many of my life coaching clients ask for help during the holidays on how to "survive" a day or two with their families during the best of years. Some absolutely dread having to spend time with the family, but feel as though they have no choice but to go. I’m going to give you some ways to make this holiday season a little more peaceful and less stressful.

Now if your family gatherings are happy, respectful and peaceful then this article might not be for you, although these techniques can be used in dealing with other than just toxic family members. Perhaps there is someone at work or in your social circle who makes you feel impotent, controlled, and worthless. These techniques will work just as well for dealing with them.

You have to accept that people treat you the way they do because you let them. Perhaps you had no choice in the matter when you were a child, but now it's different. The patterns that were set in childhood can be difficult to break out of. Now, as an adult, change starts by accepting your role in the toxic communication and verbal violence that may have been going on for years. Many times, parents and families don't know any other way of communicating other than in a toxic way. You can actually be the catalyst to change this. It's time to start taking charge by setting boundaries and making clear choices about the kind of relationships you want to have.

You actually don't have to spend the holidays, or any days for that matter, with your family. Woah-- what a freeing thought! Trying to avoid feeling guilty is a very strong motivator, but not a healthy one. If your family doesn't treat you respectfully, then respectfully decline invitations to spend time with them. If they ask why, explain that spending time with them doesn't make you feel loved and respected and you choose to only spend time with people who do. "But my father / mother would be so hurt if I didn't show..." is usually the response I get to this suggestion. And yes, they will work to make you feel guilty for "leaving them." Just realize that you are not leaving them, you're setting a healthy boundary. If they truly want you around, they'll learn to treat you as you deserve to be treated. If 2020 has given us anything good, it’s the rock solid need for social distancing when bowing out of invitations.  Cut the guilt trip your family may give you short by clearly staying that you don’t want to be responsible for spreading the virus to loved ones. 

It's not your job to change your family members' opinions on anything. You have no more right to force your opinions on them than they have on you. The best any of us can do in a civil society is to offer up our thoughts and give the others a chance to reflect on them. Change happens slowly; it can't be forced. Part of respectful communication is letting others have opinions that differ from your own. In this time of social media where everyone hides behind their computer screens and argues non-stop it’s hard to remember that opinions are just OPINIONS.

Stating opinions as fact is an age-old tactic used by many. Statements like the following are used to start arguments, keep you under control, and "put you in your place. "You'll never amount to much of anything, will you?" "Gay marriage is an abomination!"  "Guns don't kill people, people kill people!"
A simple way to take the edge off these words is by calling them what they are — opinions. One person's opinions that have no more weight than yours or anyone else's. Remove the assumption of fact from the statement by responding, "That's an interesting opinion" and just leave it at that. You could even divert the conversation more by following up with a change of topic. "Have you seen any good movies lately?"

Sometimes arguments erupt in normal conversation when people don’t feel heard.  A simple way to show someone you’re listening (whether or not you agree) is to restate what they’re saying.  It can be a helpful way to diffuse a conversation where you know you’re not going to change one another’s opinions. “I hear you saying that you’re worried about my career.” “I hear that you’re concerned about the amount of screen time we give our kids. I know you want what’s best for them.”  or “It sounds like you’re really feeling angry that she didn’t take your advice on that situation.” Suddenly they are agreeing with what you’ve said, and you can much more easily change the subject.

It’s hard to change patterns of behavior. Don't give up if you try one or more of these ideas and they don't work right away. You've probably spent a long time training the people around you that it was OK to treat you as they are. They won't want to give up the sense of power and control they have over you too easily. Just as a child ramps up the temper tantrums when you finally stop giving in to them, so too will adults escalate the negative behavior until they're certain you're not going to back down. It will tend to get a little worse before it gets better. But the sense of self-esteem and confidence you'll receive in the end are more than worth it.

Sometimes it’s just too much to handle. That’s okay. You came, you tried, and now it’s okay to leave. Seriously, let me say it again: It’s okay to leave.  Thank your hosts for the invitation and the time you've spent so far, and walk right out the door. This move is a little harder if you’re the one hosting, but it’s okay for you to say that it’s time to wrap things up. You have to teach people that there is certain behavior you simply will not tolerate and that it's non-negotiable. Setting boundaries can feel like you’re being mean or rude, but it’s not. Setting healthy boundaries will allow your relationship to grow. Just like a plant needs room for roots and leaves to spread out, so do you in any relationship. If your growth is being stifled it’s time to give it a little space.

So, as you start making holiday plans remember: You are in charge. You can acknowledge your part in a negative relationship and make changes to create a healthier one. You can set limits. You do not need to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else’s.

You’ve got this.