Self Defense Mindset

 The Best Defense is a Self Defense Mindset

By Mia Gonzalez
December 1, 2022

I recently read an article about martial arts and a self-defense mindset that went from awesome to total malarkey. The author, who was a Karate instructor and school owner, started out strong, stating that the techniques taught in their classes only make up about 10% of someone’s ability to defend themselves. The other 90%, he said, comes from a mindset of self-defense. I wholeheartedly agreed with this idea, so how did this experienced Martial Arts practitioner turn this sensible idea into a completely useless article?

At The Academy, a Martial Arts School in Manchester, CT where I work, we teach a self-defense mindset through our “bully defense” techniques to our youth students. The first step is to walk away with confidence when someone starts to bully or harass you. The second is to speak up for yourself, loud and clear, and tell the aggressor to BACK OFF. Only when we reach the third technique do we get into actual physical contact. Students are taught to step back, pivot, and push the attacker away. All of these techniques center around teaching students to stand up for themselves and give them the internal strength to not only use these techniques, but believe they CAN and SHOULD use them in defense of themselves and others.

So, at the beginning of the article I was in full agreement that the majority of a self-defense mindset comes from your attitude, awareness, and level of confidence. The author then moved into examples and used women’s self defense as the basis for these examples. This is where the article veered into a classic error. The scenarios he outlined showed that he clearly did not understand the difference in the way women experience the world compared to men. 

Women have been taught from childhood to be aware of their surroundings, travel in twos or threes, stay visible and away from secluded areas. We are taught how to avoid looking and acting like easy prey. In my experience, all women have this so ingrained in their minds that they don’t even have to think about it. This is just how we live. Giving these examples as ways to stay safe isn’t wrong, all of us should be aware of what is going on around us and potential threats when we’re alone or in strange surroundings, but if that were enough then women wouldn’t be getting attacked at such astounding rates₁. The article makes the ridiculous assumption that people (specifically women) are only attacked by strangers in dark alleyways or empty parking lots. We know that is not true. Women, girls, and boys are far more often physically assaulted by people they know in familiar surroundings than by strangers in secluded places.

We need more than the advice “Don’t make yourself an easy target.” We need to be taught to have a self-defense mindset that will give us the knowledge and confidence to prevent and deal with attacks whenever they may occur.

At The Academy, this is what we believe is needed to have a real Self Defense Mindset in addition to being aware of your surroundings and avoiding dark alleys:

Far too often we ignore our gut feelings and push through uncomfortable situations because we don’t want to offend or upset someone. We want to be polite and kind. We don’t want to appear weak or scared. Your gut, that instinctive feeling when something is wrong, is a powerful tool. Listen to it. When something feels wrong, get up, get out, or get help. Your feelings are valid and should not be ignored!

You are worth protecting. You need to believe this at your core. Your safety, physical and emotional well-being are worth fighting for. If you are struggling with this there are people who can help. Setting aside time and finances for therapy can feel really selfish, but it’s the right kind of investment in yourself. Taking care of yourself is the only way you can be there for others. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

This is so important! In order to be strong in spirit and mind, you need people in your corner. We all have ups and downs in life, and having a supportive team around you makes the downs easier to bear and the highs all the more amazing. Bring supportive people closer, but also separate yourself from those who undermine your self-worth, are unkind, negative, or emotionally exhausting. 

Be confident in establishing boundaries and insisting that they be respected. Trust your gut, it knows where your boundaries are. Learn to value yourself and say no without shame. Boundaries allow you to create space for love and generosity. If your boundaries are constantly being pushed or crossed you will be exhausted and much less able to say yes and be available when you really want to be.

Assault can happen anywhere. That is not a cynical view, it’s a fact, and if we chose to ignore it we put ourselves at risk. There are different risk factors that vary by gender, race, sexual orientation, and age. Men are more likely to be attacked by strangers, while women are more likely to be attacked by a family member, friend, or acquaintance₂.

There are simple things you should do when you are out, like make note of all exits, keep your access to an exit clear, don’t leave your drink unattended at a bar, and pay attention to the people around you. But that is the bare minimum. You also need to be cognizant of when you are putting yourself in a vulnerable situation. Examples include going into a bedroom with a romantic partner, being the last person to leave work, being alone in a car with a friend. Make informed choices to be vulnerable when you want to be, versus letting it happen because of an outside force when your gut is telling you it’s wrong.

Let people know where you are and where you are going. Have access to a phone and money in case you need to get out of somewhere in a hurry. Know that any situation can go badly. You need to know and stand by your boundaries. In new environments or situations always take a moment to consider how you’d get to an exit, summon help, and get to safety. It’s not being paranoid, it’s recognizing the possibility and being prepared.

Ingrain this into your heart and soul: When someone attacks you, they give up the right to their own well-being. You do not owe them anything. If someone is making you feel threatened or uncomfortable (listen to your gut!) you don’t owe them politeness. This is difficult for many people. It’s often easier for people to imagine standing up for a stranger than themselves in the same situation. You need to believe that you are worth protecting.

Don’t worry about being nice.

Don’t worry about embarrassing yourself or others.

Don’t worry about making a scene, a fuss, or causing problems.

Speak up, stand up, and get out.

Having a strong self defense mindset is the best protection any of us can have. It is not infallible armor, but it’s as close as most of us will get. Self defense is not a simple equation, but the knowledge that you can prepare yourself and the belief that you are worth protecting are at its core.

For all of you wanting to feel safer in the world, remember:

You deserve to be safe, and YOU ARE WORTH IT!